How To Fail At Marriage

PLEASE NOTE - THIS IS SATIRE. WE WISH TO SEE EVERY MARRIAGE HEALTHY AND FULFILLED, LOVING AND LONG LASTING. 

There are too many books on how to succeed in marriage. No more of that. Let’s talk about how to fail at it…I mean utterly destroy it. The simple truth is many know what it takes to make a relationship work, they just choose not to do it. So…let’s write the blog the way people are really living it…let’s write the blog about failing it.

1: Lie. Lie. Lie. – If all you’re doing is being honest all the time, your relationship is going to begin to build strong bonds of trust. That’s stupid. We don’t want that. DIStrust is what we are aiming for here, so lie until your pants are on fire. If she asks where you were, lie. If he asks who you’re with, lie. While you’re at it, throw in a little secrecy. Nothing builds distrust quite like a little bag of secrets. The more lies, the better. In fact, tell just enough lies that they know you’re lying but can’t quite prove it. Keep them guessing…in the WORST way.

2: Friendsh–. Nope. None of that mess. I mean, are you kidding me? FRIENDS. Ew. Start acting like friends and next thing you know you’ll actually be enjoying each other’s company. GAG. Really you should pretend to be friendly, but never ACTUALLY be friends. Don’t go anywhere or laugh and play together…that’s a recipe for a heathy relationship disaster if I’ve ever seen one. People might get the wrong idea. What you really need is some loneliness and isolation.

3: Don’t speak unless…just don’t speak. – Communication is NOT the key. Don’t talk, don’t write, don’t even use Morris Code. Spouses who talk openly have it all wrong…once they start communicating offenses and working through their issues then BAM-50th wedding anniversary in Maui before you even realized what was happening. We are trying to get you out in 50 days or less! Keep your mouth closed and your ears closed tighter. Let your spouse SEE you without ever getting to KNOW you.

4: Embrace Selfishness. – Selflessness won’t get you anything but a happy home. Selfless couples feel fulfilled and loved when they invest in one another. That’s not for you. You need to embrace a life of unhealthy independence and selfishness. Don’t do ANYTHING, and I mean anything for your spouse. No gifts. No foot rubs. No dates. No surprises. Don’t even make that girl a sandwich. Do everything for yourself, by yourself. Oh! And while you’re at it, expect them to do everything for you too. Have them be at your beck and call and NEVER do anything for them in return.

5: Booty Cooties. – No, and I repeat NO, touching. Ladies, act like he is Sloppy Sammie from the fourth grade and you would rather eat dirt than hug him. Men, treat her like you wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole if someone paid you a million dollars. Couples who regularly enjoy each other’s bodies in marriage are always close and you can tell their intimacy roots run deep. We want shallow roots people, shallow roots! This includes kissing, hugging, hand holding, and the dreaded s-e-x. If you MUST get the booty cooties, refer to point 4. Be selfish. It’s about you and your needs, not them and theirs. Get in, get out, get done. Intimacy is for losers.

6: Don’t Give In…EVER. – Compromise is for weenies. When you come to a compromise with your spouse, you say “I care about your needs as much as my own, so let’s come to an agreement together.” and when you say that, you are saying “Let’s make this work.” NO, NO, NO. What you need to say is “Get back, sucka. This is my town. My way or the highway.” When you don’t compromise, you are dialing into two other key components of failing at marriage, selfishness and refusal to communicate. You are killing two birds with one stone…actually…you’re killing there. Your marriage is the third bird. You go, bird killer.

7: Affirm nothing, gain everything. – Affirmation is nothing but encouragement and emotional support. ARE YOU TRYING TO STAY TOGETHER FOREVER!? Couples who affirm one another never doubt what the other thinks or feels about them. Couples who don’t doubt are stable. Couples who are stable, succeed. The only thing you better be encouraging is his butt out the door. If you are emotionally supporting anything other than her tears on your divorce papers, you are just asking for a healthy marriage. Leave the affirmation at the altar.

8: Fight…For Your Right…To Fiiiight. – I’ll make it simple, yell. Yell all the time about everything. He didn’t take out the trash? Yell at him. She didn’t do the laundry? Yell at her. Finances falling apart? Yell at each other. Marriages without knock down drag outs don’t know what they’re missing. When you listen and respond in a calm, collected manner, you are waving a banner of patience. Patient couples are lasting couples. We hate patience. Patience is not satisfying. What is satisfying is seeing your wife in a crumpled mess of tears on the floor, or your husband slamming the door so hard a window breaks.

9: Dont forgive, don’t forget. – You should never forgive your spouse. If they have faults, remind them of them constantly. If they hurt you, never let them forget it. Forgiveness tells your spouse you love them more than the sum of their faults. That’s dumb. Their faults suck. They should know it. If you can’t keep it together, we aren’t staying together.

10: Jesus Schmesus. – There’s an old adage that says “Couples who pray together, stay together.” and man is that true! SO STAY AWAY! You definitely shouldn’t go to church. You really don’t need to pray. Actually, don’t even listen to a Christ centered podcast. Couples with Christ as the foundation are bound to succeed, and success is not what we want. Found your marriage on something fleeting and material like lust or common interests. Have faith in failure and nothing else. Like the San Francisco Earthquakes, it will crumble in no time.