How To Spot A Stay At Home Mom in Public
*I am a stay at home mom to two precious boys – so believe me when I say that this is in no way an attack on stay at home moms but is instead a celebration of the life that we live…because the truth is if you don’t laugh at it and see the joy you will go crazy and want to lock yourself in a closet.
1) Got Crust? – Give a quick glance at her shoulders and the bottom of her shirt. Is there something crusty? Maybe white and pasty? It looks like toothpaste but it could be, I don’t know, eggs? Butter? Flour? Was she baking a cake? No, she wasn’t. That’s a trifecta of diaper rash cream, breast milk, and snot. You know what? 30 minutes ago that shirt was clean and fresh out of the dryer. You know what else? All of those things got on her shirt in between taking the kids out of the car and walking into the grocery store. SHE DIDNT EVEN TAKE OUT THE DIAPER RASH OINTMENT! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!
2) What’s That On Her Head? – Oh that? It’s hair. Yes hair. I know, I know, but trust me – it IS hair. If she is lucky and the kids were being SUPER GREAT it will be down and wet. She had time to shower but her toddler took off his diaper and pooped on the floor before she could actually DO anything with it. So the wet dog look it is. More than likely it will be up in a bun that resembles a tangled mess of dreadlocks and…is that a Frozen sticker? You’re probably trying to figure out why her bun looks like it hasn’t been washed since she stays home all the time. Shut your mouth. Just go ahead and stop that thought right there.
3) Eyeliner or Eye Bags? – Are you struggling to tell if her eye liner is smeared or if those are bags under her eyes? The answer is yes. Those are bags under her eyes. In fact the bags under her eyes have bags under them. She hasn’t had a full nights sleep since Moses was alive. The eyeliner has been on for 3 days now…or 3 weeks. She can’t really remember. Also, her eyes are probably all puffy because she’s cried at minimum of 2 times already today even though it’s only 11. Once because she wanted to strangle everyone while trying to get everybody ready to go in a timely manner without forgetting a bottle or a baby and once when her newborn smiled at her for the first time making her glad she didn’t strangle everyone.
4) Did She Get Dressed In The Dark? – Chances are she will be wearing plain jeans that are stained even though she JUST took the tags off or too baggy gym shorts to compliment her crusty shirt. BUT WAIT. What’s this? Is that a black sock and a blue sock sticking out of her shoes? Seriously the fact that she even had enough time to find two of the same socks in different colors is a feat in itself. Stop staring and tell her to rock those mismatched socks, girl! Scratch that – don’t mention her socks or cry #3 of the day is sure to ensue…that or she will smack you.
5) Is That A Toy In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? – Even though she only has 4 pockets on her jeans somehow she has managed to get a cell phone, a set of car keys, a sippy cup, a teething ring, two hot wheels, 3 rocks and a stick all graciously gifted by her 4 year old in the parking lot, a handful of cheese puffs, and some tissues in those 4 small pockets. She looks like she is stealing groceries in those jeans but really it’s just your basic survival essentials for having children.
6) ALL THE BABIES. – She might have a single infant in a carrier or have a baby strapped to her chest and two in the shopping cart with one trailing a short distance behind her picking up every pack of every item he shouldn’t have along the way. You will watch her from a distance having now identified her as a SAHM and be baffled at how even messy and tired and clearly overwhelmed because her infant wants to nurse even though she JUST ATE and her 1 year old keeps throwing his cup on the ground, she still manages to look at them completely in love like they hung the moon and the stars. Because the truth is that she wouldn’t trade those deadlocks, crusty clothes, trash filled pockets, and mismatched socks for those kids for even a moment. Most days she can’t think or pee alone and she knows that the moment she goes out in public she will get silently criticized for her parenting style or unkempt appearance but she doesn’t care. To those kids she is the world and she loves every moment of it…even the moments she doesn’t love so much.